Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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