The maid of honor just puked.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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