Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
