when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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