The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
