I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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