i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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