I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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