Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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