I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
