he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
