I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
