When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
