Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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