I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
