She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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