I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
whose parrot is this?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
