my vag is so smooth its legendary
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
