I CAN MOONWALK!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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