if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
