my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
