turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
