We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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