it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
