Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
