So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
