why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
