I think I am morally bankrupt
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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