I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I could make wine with my vomit
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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