You just made me feel so damn special
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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