Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
