sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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