we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
