I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
