Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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