I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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