Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
