I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you win again, gameday.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
