my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
