She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
