woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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