i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
