i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
