Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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