We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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