Just cropdusted the office
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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