Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
