i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
