cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
