He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
