I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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