Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
